Sometimes I wonder why I keep this blog. Do I just want to relate the bad things I am doing, and get confirmation from other disordered people that ‘they do it too’? Do I hope that someone will whisk in and save me from myself? Do I just want a place to document in an honest way what is happening to me? Do I want to serve as a warning to others?

I guess a little bit of all of it, and most certainly other reasons that I am still blind to. It feels redundant, though. Like it’s all been said before with no discernible difference in outcome in my life. Still, I want to write about how I was doing good all day, and then, because I had 3 1/2 frozen chicken strips for dinner, I felt I had had too much food. Because of that feeling, I went and ate some of the Chinese take-out my husband had for dinner. Then under the guise of taking a shower, I went and purged really hard, and then did in fact take a shower. I weighed myself after and I saw the smallest number I have in a long time on the scale’s digital display. That made me so happy, almost excited. I’m fairly sick right now, and I know that. But that still doesn’t take away the viseral high I got from seeing that number. It’s been like this for so long, I don’t know anything else.